If you’re anything like me, you may have come into college with the assumption that this is the place where you “find your people.” But for many students, especially on large, fast-paced campuses like Stanford, it’s easy to feel invisible. Everyone seems to be rushing, and even when surrounded by hundreds of people, loneliness can settle in like static in the background. The truth is, loneliness isn’t rare, it’s just quiet. You see people laughing in the dining hall, walking in groups, or posting about their nights out. Like the old version of me, you might wonder why you can’t seem to find that same ease. You might worry that people are judging you for doing things alone, they most likely aren’t. Next time, you find yourself feeling this way, try empathy for both others and for yourself.
Treating Yourself with Kindness
Empathy for Yourself
Loneliness can cause you to identify yourself as the problem, your thoughts criticizing you every step of the way: “Why does it seem like everyone has someone to keep them company except me?” “They probably think I have no friends.” These judgments only deepen the feeling of isolation. Try to be kinder to yourself. Would you judge someone else for doing things alone? Try to recognize that what you’re feeling is a universal human experience. Humans are evolutionarily built to crave social connection. It is absolutely normal to feel its absence when you are alone. Instead of allowing this discomfort to make you panic, try sitting in the feeling of being by yourself. Can you notice things about the world around you that you normally wouldn’t if you were with others? If eating alone, can you savor your food and eat more slowly, having this time to yourself? Challenge yourself to view time alone as a privilege, a time for self-care and relaxation of your mind.
A few simple ways to start:
- Name what you’re feeling: “I’m feeling lonely right now, and that’s okay.”
- Treat yourself with kindness: Imagine what you’d say to a friend who feels this way, and then say it to yourself.
- Take breaks without guilt: Rest is not wasting time. It’s what gives you the energy to connect, and makes socializing that much more enjoyable.
Empathy for Others
Empathy can look like so many things. Eye contact, holding a door open, or even just saying hello to someone sitting next to you before class. Small acts matter. They serve as a reminder to both you and the other person that you exist beyond your hectic, structured routines. Everyone around you is human, with their own complex lives and thoughts that might be more similar to yours than you think.
Some more things to try:
- Asking a classmate how their week is going.
- Checking in with a friend you haven’t heard from in a while.
- Staying after class to talk to your professor.
Loneliness vs. Solitude
Reframing moments of loneliness as solitude changed my life. While loneliness prompted feelings of inadequacy and sadness, solitude became my place of peace and reflection. Learning to enjoy your own company by setting the time aside to journal, walk while listening to music, or read a book you’ve been meaning to pick up, can help you feel grounded even when others are unavailable. When you start finding comfort in being alone, you stop depending on others for your sense of stability. After all, you are the person you will spend the rest of your life with!
Written by: Citlali Ayala, Class of 2027
Resources
Stanford Resources
- Counseling and Psychological Services: Stanford’s licensed mental health professionals provide 24/7 crisis support and counseling services.
- Well-Being Coaching: Work with a supportive partner to design your own vision for well-being.
- Mental Health Resources at Stanford: Your go-to hub for navigating the many mental health and well-being resources at Stanford.
- Community and Belonging at Stanford: Explore the vibrant student communities on campus!