I often find myself wishing I could give my frosh self a big hug- and tell her that everything will be okay, even when the light at the end of the tunnel feels impossible to see. To the 18-year-old who spent months being unable to sleep, who was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and who attempted to take her own life: I see you and your life matters. You are not alone.
A Letter to My Frosh Self
To my freshman self, you don’t know it yet, but the heaviness and dread in the pit of your stomach you feel every morning isn’t just tiredness. It’s a manifestation of something you don’t have words for–not yet. You’ll know it to be depression later, and it will shape the darkest days of your life, but later on will also bring you your most beautiful and cherished moments.
You’ll start to notice thoughts of not being good enough. Thoughts convincing you how unworthy you are of everything good that exists in your life, leading you to push them all away. Those thoughts will keep you up at night until you start dreading bedtime, because you know you will never be able to sleep. You’ll reach a point where you aren’t speaking to anyone, not your parents, your boyfriend, or your best friends. You become convinced you can no longer perform basic human tasks. You’ll soon start to feel guilty for all of this. You’ll blame yourself. You’ll label yourself as a burden.
I’m here to let you know it is not your fault. You are not your thoughts. Those thoughts and emotions are symptoms of your depression. I know it feels like no one can possibly understand what you are feeling, and to a certain extent, that can be true. Everyone’s depression looks different–that’s why healing isn’t linear. However, help is always waiting for those who ask for it. You will have lots of help along the way. You will meet people who will help you view your mental health challenges as a gift, rather than a burden you have to carry. After a month of group treatment, you will realize that you have been listening and offering feedback more than you have been sharing. Each day, you find more and more reasons that give you the strength to wake up and start again.
Don’t worry. You’ll laugh again–your real laugh that brings tears to your eyes and makes your stomach hurt. You’ll find meaning in places you never expected. You’ll find joy in the people and places you thought you never would again. There’s so much more life waiting for you. You just have to stay long enough to see it. Sure, you’ll still have bad days, but you will know how to move forward, having learned healthier coping mechanisms. These days will end with joyful tears in your eyes, for you will remember all you have endured to get here, to this version of yourself. As long as there is life, there is hope.
To my freshman self, I see you, and I am so proud of you.
Written by: Citlali Ayala, Class of 2027
Resources
Stanford Resources
- Counseling and Psychological Services: If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or challenged, know that you are not alone in these difficult times, and there are CAPS therapists committed to helping you work through what you are struggling with. Schedule an appointment by calling 650.723.3785 on weekdays from 9am-4pm. Crisis counseling for urgent concerns, call: 650.723.3785 and ask for the “on-call counselor,” available 24 hours a day.
- TimelyCare: A virtual medical and mental health care service that is available to any enrolled students at no cost 24/7, 365 days/year. It is offered as a supplement to the extensive existing in-person and virtual services offered by Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), Vaden Medical Services, and other Vaden and on-campus resources.
- Mental Health Resources at Stanford: Your go-to hub for mental health and well-being resources for Stanford students. Whether you're looking for tips to build your self-care routine, ways to manage stress, advice on supporting a friend, or just someone to talk to, you’re in the right place. From counseling services and peer support programs to workshops and wellness activities, you have a wealth of options at your fingertips. You are not alone.
- The Bridge Peer Counseling Center: Your peers may be a good first step to sharing your struggles and identifying what support you may need. The Bridge offers anonymous peer counseling by trained students in person and by phone (24/7 support for phone calls).
Additional Resources
- 988 Emergency Services: An easier and quicker way to call/text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The current Lifeline phone number (1.800.273.8255) remains available. Call or text 988.
- Crisis Text Line: Access support through this volunteer-run text support line without speaking on the phone. Text ‘HOME’ to 741741.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: For immediate support around issues of power and control in intimate relationships. Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)/Text ‘START’ to 88788.
- The Trevor Project: An LGBTQ+ centered line offering volunteer support via phone or text. Call 1.866.488.7386 / Text ‘START’ to 678678.
- Recognizing the Lesser-Known Symptoms of Depression, NAMI, written by Ginger Robertson, February 09, 2022.